Shalom Bayit Project - One Woman's Story

Marnie (Marnie is not the clients real name, some identifying information has been changed to protect the client's identity.) appeared to have a charmed life: 2 lovely children, a big house, nice cars, vacations, and a successful husband whom she had been married to for 15 years. Then one night the truth came out. Marnie's husband tried to kill her. He may have succeeded if Marnie's eldest child had not called the police. The police took Marmie's husband into custody, child welfare took her children into custody, and she herself was taken to the hospital.

Marnie spent 2 months in the hospital recovering from both her physical and emotional traumas. Upon her release she sought to regain custody of her children but Child Welfare refused to release them. They believed she was not yet emotionally fit and that her ongoing contact with the children's father put herself and her children at risk. That decision pushed Marnie into a deep depression. Child Welfare recommended that Marnie enroll in a program that would help her deal with her issues and make the changes necessary for getting her children back.

Marnie called Jewish Family Serivces Calgary, who referred her to a program specifically for women experiencing domestic violence.

Through the support of the domestic violence agency, JFSC, Rabbi Howard Voss Altman and Rabbi Jordan Offseyer, Marnie was able to get her children back, receive support from the Jewish community and is today living independently with her children, has a job and her own house. Marnie wakes up every morning feeling safe and calm in the knowledge that she and her children are able to live a violence free life.

The Jewish community is not immune from domestic violence. Most statistics say it happens at the same rate and intensity as the mainstream communtiy, 1 out of every 3 women. The only difference for Jewish women is they stay in abusive relationships longer... on average 15 years. This is why JFSC has decided to start a new program called Shalom Bayit, dedicated to addressing the issues of domestic violence in the Jewish community. Shalom Bayit, peace in the home, is one of the highest values of Judaism. This is also the value most compromised by domestic violence.

The Shalom Bayit Project is dedicated to bringing awareness and building capacity in our community around the issue of domestic violence. It will be addressing issues of spousal abuse, senior's abuse, and child abuse in our community.

In 2004 Jewish Women's International conducted a needs assessment around the issue of domestic violence in the Jewish Community. The assessment had the following 6 key findings:

• Domestic abuse in the Jewish community has no boundaries; it affects all types of relationships, all socio-economic classes, all ages and all spectrums of religious and cultural life. The range of identified behaviors of abuse is broad and includes sexual, verbal, psychological, physical, and financial abuse.
• The myth that Jewish families are immune from abuse allows both Jewish and secular professionals, including police, mental health professionals and medical personnel to miss the cues of abuse.
• Jewish women often either delay seeking help or do not seek help at all. The shame (shonda) associated with abuse, the fear of loosing their children in custody battles, and the lack of access to financial resources for legal fees, housing and other transitional needs represent significant barriers for many women. Too often, a woman may seek help for abuse or decide to leave an abusive relationship only to find many of her needs unmet.
• Jewish women do not usually seek emergency shelter and therefore are left alone to negotiate a system of independent and disconnected program and services.
• Victims and survivors are much more likely to seek help from their intimate network of friends and family members or a private psychotherapist than from any other source.
• Rabbis play an important role in speaking out about domestic abuse in the Jewish community and in providing support to the victims of abuse and their families. The challenges rabbis face when dealing with domestic abuse within their congregations must be addressed. Jewish women are more likely to go to a rabbi for help and guidance if the rabbi has previously spoken out about the issue. (JWI needs assessment: A portrait of domestic abuse in the Jewish community, 2004)

The mandate of the Shalom Bayit Project is designed to recognize the finding of the JWI study and work to make a difference in our community for those who have experienced or are experiencing abuse.

If you or someone you know is experiencing domestic violence please contact Andrea Silverstone, Shalom Bayit Coordinator at 287-3510 ext 301. All calls are confidential.